Dead Unicorn – The Horrible Truth About Social Media ROI

Every time someone asks, “what’s the ROI of social media?” A unicorn dies. So sayeth Scott Stratten, author of Unmarketing.

He’s right.

“What’s the ROI of social media?”
First of all, it’s too broad a question. “What’s the ROI of high speed internet?” “What’s the ROI of our cash register?” “What’s the ROI of executive perks?” Are all similarly difficult to answer. All these things are, like it or not, the underpinnings of business as usual.

Unless you’re an Amish woodworker, you need high speed internet. If you sell things at a retail outlet, you need a cash register. And if you have a gaggle of executives, you need to provide them some level of perks on par with their peers or they’ll bolt for one of those companies. Finally, if you have customers, they’re probably talking about you in social media.

Social media is fast becoming THE fundamental communication channel for your customers. Is your plan to pretend it doesn’t exist because it is presently difficult to measure? Your competitors are certainly hoping you will.

Social media is market intelligence
As I said before, if you have customers, they’re talking bout you in social spaces. They used to do it anyway, it was called the coffee shop, the farmer’s co-op or the local tavern. You need to understand and be prepared to engage your customer in meaningful conversations in social spaces. Today, it’s Facebook and Twitter. Deal with it.

If you must measure the sentiment around your brand, you can start with SocialMention or Google Alerts. They’re free and can help you take the temperature of your brand’s buzz. Do this before you drop a briefcase full of cash one of the big listening packages.

Social media is story-telling
A Twitter account is free. A Facebook page for your business is free. A YouTube account is free. However, they are, as friend Tom Buchheim says, “free like a puppy.” You need to be prepared to tell your story in these channels.

Please note, the following is not your story, “be my friend and get some occasional discounts.” That’s boring. That’s a loyalty program.

“I’m in my office.” Also not a story. In fact, that’s not even interesting as a statement.

“Our founder, Phineas Q. Widget, III, created the first prototype for WidgeCo during a 72-hour Mt. Dew-fueled bender in his garage. He started two fires and collapsed in a heap of ecstasy when he first saw it function properly.” That’s a story. Your customer can identify with that. Turn your brand into a serial novel and people will see you as a friend instead of just a commodity.

Social media can help you stretch your advertising dollar
Social networks know a ton about their users. Web sites have this uncanny way of harvesting data about their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams as well as pictures of what they’re having for dinner.

Instead of placing an ad in the local paper might be seen by some of the people who might possibly be slightly interested in what you’re selling, you can place a Facebook Ad that is served only to men from age 18-24 who have “liked” the band Mastodon and the movie Napoleon Dynamite.

Now that’s some serious targeting.

Hop to it, the metrics will come
Just as people lagged in seeing the value of the Web and email as business technologies (ever work at a company where not all employees had email accounts?), so do they lag on social media. Just as metrics evolved with those technologies, so will they evolve with social.

That said, there are already lots of things you can measure with social media. Tracking codes on links that are specific purchasing calls-to-action can be easily consumed by web analytics packages. There, you’ve got some ROI. Just be careful. Don’t go all Kenny Tarmac and turn your Facebook page into some kind of full-court press hard-sell smarm-a-palooza. Remember you’re telling a story, not selling.

Facebook gives you some great measures of how many people are engaging with your page, all the way down to what kind of content is most viral. Check out Facebook’s insights immediately, if not sooner.

YouTube, Twitter and LinkedIn all have some sort of reporting that you can combine with some clever web analytics work to paint a picture of your progress.

So don’t use the lack of hyper-sophisticated ROI black boxes for social media as an excuse to ignore social media. Get out there and tell your story, your customer is waiting. 

Beware Pep Tse, Ancient Master of Product Placement

Pep Tse, master of the ancient art of product placement

Pep Tse, master of the ancient art of product placement

This is a post about Gurus, with a capital G. They have books, they have accessories and they have the answer to everything. If they’re a big enough Guru, they can become a lifestyle choice in and of themselves. They will sell and resell their “5 Secrets to Better Pancakes” or “12 Simple Steps to a Nutmeg-Free Life”.

But the real secret is that there are no secrets. The Guru makes money off those who want to buy a book instead of doing the work.

If you ever find yourself in a position where you think the only thing standing between you and your dreams is writing a check to a “Guru” to unlock the secrets of the universe, do yourself a favor and don’t. Save your money. Remember that success is very closely bound to hard work and is accelerated by God-given talent. A positive attitude is also a nice-to-have.

Chris Brogan talks about being an overnight success. It only took about ten years of non-stop speaking, blogging, writing, networking and entrepreneurship. Chris is no “Guru”, he’s a smart, humble, hard-working guy. It’s a grind. So you better love what you do, and you have to be willing to do it and do it a lot.

Remember that the mighty Beatles started as a gig band a the Cavern in Hamburg. From 1961 to 1963 The Beatles made 292 appearances there (see Wikipedia). So instead of climbing the mountain to find your guru, find yourself a cavern. Go hone your talent, eventually people will seek you out.

 

Zeus starts a blog

 

Zeus starts a blog

Another gouache experiment from the same session as “Let’s make it slower and more complicated.” The doodle was inspired by a Spongebob Squarepants episode. Stop laughing. Seriously, I’ll tell you about it if you stop laughing.

In the episode, Poseidon challenges Spongebob to a crabby patty-making contest. While Poseidon quickly assembles the requisite number of  patties to win, they are wholly inedible.

My point? I was afraid you’d ask that.

Blogging, like crabby patties, ain’t magic. You can’t set up a blog and magically become a blogger. Believe me I know. You only have to review my post frequency to realize that I struggle mightily with blogging and doodling consistently. I could rationalize and tell you that I only wait until I have something really important to say. But then you’d actually read the blog and call shenanigans on me.

So, as Steven Pressfield says, Do the Work. That’s my advice for the day. It ain’t easy, but it feels good when you’re done.

Let’s make it slower and more complicated

Let's make it slower and more complicated

I’ve always wanted to try using gouache, an opaque variation of watercolor that offers the look and feel of watercolor with the added benefit of allowing you to layer light over dark.

This scan is a raw scan of the results of my gouache experiment. Honestly, I prefer to draw and paint free-hand to my Wacom tablet. I don’t have the greatest graphics card and I often get lags in performance between the pen stroke and the software causing frustration. There’s also the issue of the actual “tooth” of the paper that can’t be replicated on my low-end pen tablet.

What do I notice? Well, first of all, I need to save the line work for the end of the wash. Secondly, I will start to use watercolor paper as this experiment was on cheap sketch pad paper that curled up and probably didn’t let the paint do its work. Lastly, I need to work a little bigger, these are small-scale drawings of about 3″ x 5″.

Ultimately, it was a fun venture. I’m going to continue to experiment with both mediums, traditional and all-digital. There’s something that’s very satisfying about using real materials and making a real mess. Sometimes, you have to make if slower and more complicated. Especially if you’re cartooning a guy wearing a dunce cap, a renaissance-era man-blouse, a duck floaty, no pants and clown shoes. COMEDY GOLD JERRY!

Thanks for stopping by!

You’re not enchanting anyone, you know

I'm enchanting customers?

There’s a phrase that I’ve been seeing and hearing a lot lately. Every time I hear it, I can feel my fight or flight reflex start to flex right at the base of my brainstem. The phrase? “Enchanting customers.”

Maybe I’m jaded, maybe I’ve lost my sense of wonder, but I think the term “enchanting” is one that should be reserved for the Dungeons and Dragons crowd and Harry Potter book clubs.

Seriously, you’re enchanting people? You’re waving your magic wand and making them fall in love with you against their own will and better judgement? I call shenanigans.

If you walk in to most CEO’s offices and tell them that you’re going to increase the bottom line of their tool and die business by enchanting customers, I’m pretty sure you’ll get a swift kick in the privates.

Even if you manage to enchant your customers, the magic wears off all too soon. Before you know it, people are complaining about the magical experience you’ve given them. People are constantly complaining about their smart phones. “Stupid phone, I wish you would bring me a sandwich.” So, the ultra-light device that can make calls anywhere in the world without a cord and, oh by the way, has more computing power than the first lunar module isn’t good enough for you?

Enchantment is a losing battle. Remember when you first heard Eddie Van Halen play “Eruption”? Did your face melt? Mine did. Soon, however, every hack on Hollywood Boulevard was tapping on their Jackson and abusing their Floyd Rose floating tremolo and the magic was gone.

When was the last time you were enchanted with a product or phenomena? I would say the UI on the iPhone did it for me. Other times before that:

  • the first time I saw Ruby on Rails demonstrated
  • the first time I saw AJAX in action (that’s Asynchronous Javascript And XML for you non-nerds)
  • the Wii
  • the first time I saw Chernenkov radiation (the cool blue glow at the bottom of a nuclear reactor)

Noticeably absent from the list? The last time I had lunch at Applebee’s.

Aside from that, enchantment usually comes from watching someone practice their craft. There’s the Eddie Van Halen example above. Ever watch a master paint or draw? I sit there and get giddy. It’s really like watching magic. Check out Nico DiMattia painting Spiderman below.

My point is that you can’t start with the goal of enchantment. You can’t just put on a pointy hat and learn a few spells. Enchantment is something that arises from practice and dedication. It is that moment when you can actually see how much someone loves what they do. It doesn’t matter if you’re watching someone toss dough at a pizza joint, bend a guitar to their will or something as simple as a bartender remembering your order every time you belly up.

Forget enchantment. Start with practice.

CEO vs. Action Figure

Now with golden parachute action!

I grew up with action figures. Star Wars, mostly, with the occasional foray into G.I. Joe, Transformers and He-Man. To my knowledge, none of these genres carried a CEO figure.

Why is that? Because kids don’t dream about being the head of a major corporation. They dream about being a hero. They dream about using super powers to solve problems and rescue the people of Megalopolis from the dreaded Stinky Mantis Man from Mt. Rushmore.

Does that mean that the CEO is irrelevant? Heck no. But it’s easy to see that the best CEOs are the one that are passionate about something other than being “in charge.”

Jobs, Bezos, Branson and others are dreamers in areas other than simply making money. They want their companies to swoop in and solve problems or create things that make people do a double-take and say “Holy cow, Jimmy! Look at THAT!”

So stop worrying about the org chart of how many rungs from the top of the ladder you are. Ask yourself, “what’s wrong with this ladder?” Or better yet, “How does this ladder help people? How does it make life better?”

Be a superhero, not an empty suit.

The painful life lessons of golf

Just hit the ball

“The Zen philosopher Basho once said, a flute with no holes is not a flute, and a doughnut with no holes is a danish.” – Chevy Chase, Caddyshack

Golf is a guilty pleasure that puts me at odds with one of my heroes, George Carlin. Carlin had a famous bit where he refers to golf courses and cemeteries as the two biggest wastes of space on Earth. His argument was that golf is a game for the rich and that the space could be better used.

Possibly. But efficient use of real estate aside, an examination of the game itself reveals a challenging endeavor that can teach you a lot about life. On the surface, the main life lesson seems to be “you suck, and should probably just give up.” But because I’m stubborn and don’t know when to quit (even when my partner turns to me and says “you should probably quit”), I have ascertained the following life lessons from the game of golf, which I share with you, free of charge.

First of all, while expensive equipment is nice, it doesn’t make you good. You can buy all the stuff that the greatest golfers in the world use, but if you don’t practice, you are in for 18 holes of pure, soul-crushing hell. To be good, or at least passable, you need to take hundreds of practice swings on the practice tee. You need to practice your short game. You need to practice putting. No short cuts, no excuses. You can dress like Tiger Woods, but you’ll still play like Ron Wood (note: I have no idea what Ron Wood’s handicap is, but I suspect he’s a much better guitar player than he is a golfer).

The next thing you’ll find is that even if you practice diligently, once you step onto the course, every shot is an adventure. There are things on the course that you don’t encounter during practice. Like all the goddam trees. And the rough. Rough left there by some vindictive greenskeeper who was too hung over to bother mowing it that morning. Grass so long that you’ll think you’re on a PT boat trip 20 clicks outside Da Nang with Martin Sheen and Laurence Fishburne on a quest to locate Marlon Brando. So, just as in life, your aspirations are often thwarted by the lazy and the drunk. And trees. And possibly Charlie.

If you manage to find your ball without getting napalmed by Robert Duvall, you will find the next similarity between golf and life: no matter where you go, there you are. No matter how crappy your lie, you’re not supposed to move your ball. Sure, you can cheat, but you’ll know it and the stroke you save will still be there. There may be one less tick on your scorecard, but you still cheated. And if there’s a God in heaven, that knowledge will eat away at you until you awake, screaming, in a pool of your own sweat and call me to apologize for cheating. Pardon me, I think I’m projecting. Suffice it to say, that in golf, as in life, cheating only hurts you.

Lastly, if you stick with it, you may discover the great Zen moment of golf. Every shot, like every breath, is a single moment in time completely independent yet strangely connected to every other moment. The ball is just lying there in the grass waiting for you to hit it. How it got there is no longer of any consequence. The only truth that remains is that you must either continue to play or give up.

Continuing to play is not always easy. Particularly, if you’re taking your sixth shot in a sand trap or carefully lining up your third putt. It can be embarrassing. Every shot can be loaded with shame, fear or guilt. However, if you forget about keeping score, forget about the equipment, forget about that useless excuse of a greenskeeper and, most importantly, forget about all the bad shots that came before and focus on what’s in front of you…well, occasionally you’ll get one of those gorgeous lofting shots that drops just a few feet from the pin. And that makes it all worth it.

Until the putt rims out.

“I don’t play golf for money…against people.” – Chevy Chase, Caddyshack

Conversation is key

I sell life insurance

“Markets are conversations.” – The Cluetrain Manifesto

How do you act at a cocktail party, or at happy hour? Do you try to relax and be yourself? Strike up a conversation with the bloke next to you about baseball or the sport du jour?

Of course you do. It’s how normal people act.

Now imagine the following: as you sit there talking about how tired you are about the Yankees spending too much money or how you can believe they’re remaking the movie Arthur, a guy in a leisure suit pokes his head between you and your bar buddy. This interloper puts his arms around both of you then yells at the top of his lungs, “HAS ANYONE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF WIDGETS!!??” As the stench of his scotch and Pall Mall cigarette breath dissipates, you begin to plot your escape route.

Nobody likes a hard sell. Even fewer people like a hard sell while they’re trying to relax and socialize.

So stop for a moment before you send that tweet that’s in all caps. Don’t be “that guy.” Instead, ask a question, or better yet, answer somebody’s question. Strike up a conversation, make a friend by just being yourself. If work comes up, so be it. Tell a story and be interesting and your friends will want to hear more.

The better you get at telling stories and being a resource, the more people will rely on you. Be the person that everyone wants to talk to and you win in every way imaginable. You have more friends that double as your audience, you are seen as an expert in your area and you have set yourself up for an easy sale if and when one of your new friends needs what you have to offer.

All by just being yourself. Congratulations!

Consider the Source

Consider the source

Not all gestures are appreciated. We’re often too hung up on the packaging, the messenger or the situation to realize truth.

Start digging some nerd holes

Start digging some nerd holes

Start digging some nerd holes

Famous words from Bart Simpson. I think they reflect the frustration people often feel when they deal with those who are heavily technological in nature. People who lace every sentence with jargon that has meaning only to them. To the average person, this odd dialect is both unnerving and maddening. [Read more...]